法国步枪，从来没有射击过，只摔过一次
Lancelotgass 发表

英文原文来自：

http://www.francesurrenders.com/history.html

1 - Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

高卢战争：法国失败了。这场战争的结局预示了之后两千年的法国历史，即法国能被任何人征服，甚至是一个意大利人。

2 - Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

百年战争：大部分的仗法国都打输了。国家最后为一个女性精神分裂症患者所挽救。此女患者不经意间创造了法国战争定律一：“只有不是在法国男人的领导下，法军才能获胜。”

3 - Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

意大利战争：法国输了。法国成为第一个也是仅有的输了意大利两场战争的国家。

4 - Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
宗教战争：法国对胡格诺派，三个阶段各取得0场、5场和4场胜利。

5 - Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

三十年战争：如果技术上死抠国际公法的话，法国不能算是三十年战争的交战方，不过法国仍然是成功地被搅进战争中。这场仗法国宣称是一场平局，原因是战争的最后阶段其他交战方都懒得理睬她了。

6 - War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

遗产转移战争：平局。法国人就是喜欢拿红花盆当帽子戴。（译者注：貌似意思是法国人把输掉的战争当平局。）

7 - The Dutch War: Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.

法荷战争：平局。荷兰农夫和花农打起仗来可比他们那傻呵呵的外表厉害多了。

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War（译者不知道怎么翻译）:法国输了，但她宣称是平局。法国短时间内把三场战争（霸权转移战争、荷兰战争和这次战争）都打成平局。如此显赫的武功诱使脑子秀豆的全世界法兰西粉们把这个年代吹嘘为法国军事力量的顶峰时期。

9 - War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

西班牙王位继承战争：法国输了。战争让法国人初次品尝了Marlborough的美味，此后法国人一直很喜欢Marlborough。（Marlborough是西班牙王位继承战争中在欧洲大陆与法军作战的英国将领。后来的Marlborough貌似指万宝路香烟。双关语。）

10 - American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

美国革命：法国人宣称自己是胜利者，然而美洲殖民地人民打了更多的仗。类似的事情以后美国人会慢慢习惯的。这就是所谓的“高卢综合症”。从此也引出法国战争定律二：“法国只会在美军在他们一边打了大部分仗的情况下胜利。”

11 - French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

法国大革命：法国胜利了。主要原因是革命与反革命双方都是法国人。

12 - The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

拿破仑战争：法国输了。法军初期的胜利归功于一个科西嘉人的领导，我们现在又记起法国战争定律一了吧？然而这位科西嘉人也赢不了俄罗斯的寒冬，普鲁士的掷弹兵和一位英国的鞋袜设计师。


13 - The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.


普法战争：法国输了。德国人开始扮演这样的角色：在周末夜晚闯进法国丑姑娘家里的醉汉子。

14 - World War I: Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French bloodline.

第一次世界大战：遭受侵略蒙受侮辱眼看要输的法国被美国拯救了。伟大的法兰西人民终于收获了一场平局。几千名法国妇女尝到了这样新奇的滋味：与胜利者上床，而且那胜利者不会用德文叫她们“Fraulein”。可悲的是，当时美国人鬼迷心窍地在意起什么个人卫生（法国女人自然搞不懂为啥要注意个人卫生），因此美国士兵使得安全套的使用开始广泛传播，因而预先排除了法国人血统改良的任何可能。

15 - World War II: A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

第二次世界大战：即使是按照法国人的标准，这也是一次决定性的失败。希特勒和他领导的德国青年在圣诞假期睡大觉打呼噜，就这样过了冬（指1939年10月波兰战斗停止后，西线的平静局面）。开春后希特勒把德国青年集结成军队，在六周内就征服了法国。希特勒在埃菲尔铁塔前手舞足蹈，而此时法国军队的总参谋长先生撤退到阿尔及利亚去制作一个颠覆性的语言教学类广播节目：教法国大兵在德国人面前如何说“我投降”，也教法国将领在德国人面前如何说“我们投降”。被征服的法国人民刚刚学会唱党卫军的赫斯特威塞尔之歌，就被美国人和英国人解放了。

16 - First Vietnamese War (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play): Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.

第一次越南战争（越南人的叫法是“练球”或者说“演示赛”，这种比赛主力队员都在场边看着替补队员在场上比赛。）：法国输了。在德国人的战俘营里呆了四年刚恢复自由的法国士兵，却死在了奠边府战役。

17 - Algerian rebellion: Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

阿尔及利亚独立战争：法国输了。十字军东征以来还是第一次，一支阿拉伯军队打败了西方军队。制造了现代伊斯兰战争定律一：“我们总能打败法国人。”这定律不错，不过缺了点意思。因为这也是意大利、俄罗斯、普鲁士、德国、英格兰、荷兰、西班牙、越南以及美洲印第安人和美洲资本家的战争第一定律。

18 - War on Terrorism: Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.

反恐战争：法国输了。忿恨于未被美国列为邪恶轴心之一，法国拒绝参战。当局势开始明朗，这不是“闹着玩的战争”的时候，法国总统希拉克先生瞄了眼自己的信用卡，立即投降了德国老兵施罗德先生。从好的方面说，他也是向法国境内五百万阿尔及利亚非法移民投降.




Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
　　A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
　　问：为什么我们在打击萨达姆和拉登的行动中需要法国的参与呢？
　　答：这样法国可以教给他们如何投降。

　　Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
　　A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.
　　问：愿意保卫巴黎的法国人到底有多少人呢？
　　答：不知道，因为这从未发生过。

　　Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
　　A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
　　问：为什么欧洲的迪斯尼乐园不允许放烟火呢？
　　答：因为每次他们一放，法国人就想投降。

　　Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
　　A: Sunburned armpits.
　　问：你通过什么来认出法国步兵呢？
　　答：晒黑的腋窝。

　　Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
　　A. The Army.
　　问：10万法国人同时举起他们的双手，你认为会是什么呢？
　　答：法国军队。

　　Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
　　A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
　　问：法国军队基础培训的第一课是什么呢？
　　答：怎样用至少10语言来说投降。

　　Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
　　A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
　　问：法国军队中用的最多的是什么东西呢?
　　答：后视镜，这样他们就能够看见战斗了。

　　Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
　　A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
　　问：为什么耐克喜欢法国军队呢？
　　答：因为在战争期间，他们是跑鞋的最大买家。

　　Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!
　　你们看到eBay上有法国步枪卖了吗？从来没有射击过，只摔过一次